Be thankful — VERY thankful — for Western Civilization; because without its protection, the Indians would be picking your meat out of their teeth in no time flat.
Every year around this time we are assaulted with all sorts of politically correct nonsense describing how “evil Europeans” came and displaced the holy, harmonious and nature-loving existing cultures of North America.
It’s at times like this when I deeply regret how sanitized the history of this continent has become. You’d think the Indians were all just standing in a circle holding hands singing Koom-ba-ya and communing with Gitchee Manitou in perfect harmony when — all of a sudden — a bunch of blood-thirsty Europeans thrust the idea of violence upon them for the first time.
The reality of Indian violence is beyond the comprehension of the average modern European-American; but I can encapsulate it in a nutshell: it included slavery, cannibalism, head-hunting and human sacrifice on a fairly large scale.(1)
Marvin Harris noted of the Iroquois that they: “… are well known for their incessant warfare and their training of males to be immune to pain. They are also well known for their merciless treatment of prisoners of war. Captives were forced to run a gauntlet, their fingernails were pulled out and their limbs hacked off, and they were finally decapitated or roasted alive at the stake – after which their remains were consumed in cannibalistic feasts.”(2)
Even the founder of Boasian anthropology, Franz Boas noted in his book “The Social Organization and Secret Societies of the Kwakiutl Indians” that eye-witnesses saw human sacrifice and cannibalism on a large scale. According to Boas, the cannibals among the Kwakiutl Indians “Besides devouring slaves … also devour corpses.”(3)
I’m a pretty open-minded fellow; and I’m very open to allowing those who dislike Western cultural norms to live by the norms of other cultures. Usually, I prefer my mother-in-law’s deliciously roasted turkey for Thanksgiving dinner. Personally, I’m going to stick with my own culture.
But here is what I prescribe for the dingbats who think of European-Americans as the descendants of an oppressive culture. You need to celebrate Thanksgiving the way it would have been celebrated if Europeans had never set foot upon these shores: enslave each other, then torture each other and finally EAT each other for Thanksgiving. Because that is PRECISELY what would be happening on this continent had Europeans never arrived. Unless you are willing to do that, you need to sit down in a corner, shut your pie-hole and learn something.
If you cannot appreciate European culture, European-Americans and Western civilization, you need to volunteer to be enslaved, tortured, killed and eaten — because that’s what the “superior” Indians would have done to you. The only reason you are alive to make a whining nuisance of yourself is because European-derived people have a unique tolerance for such misbehavior. Be thankful — VERY thankful — for Western Civilization; because without its protection, the Indians would be picking your meat out of their teeth in no time flat.
So tomorrow for Thanksgiving, I will be sitting down at a nice table, and eating a delicious turkey with stuffing. And I will give thanks for Western Civilization because I’d much rather be eating a turkey than my next door neighbor. He looks pretty tough and stringy.
(1) Feldman, G. F. (2008), Cannibalism, Headhunting and Human Sacrifice in North America
(2) Harris, M. (1978), Cannibals and Kings, The Origin of Cultures
(3) Boas, Franz (1897), “The Social Organization and Secret Societies of the Kwakiutl Indians” p. 441