Okay, liberals, I have a radical idea I want to run by you: the Iranian government is bad and worthy of some of your outrage.
by Frank Fleming
Yeah, I know, it sounds crazy. Iran is not a beauty queen speakingout against gay marriage, or Sarah Palin. Why in the world would youwant to direct any scorn towards a brutal theocracy seeking nuclearweapons? It’s not obvious, but let me explain.
Now, I know it doesn’t take much to convince conservatives to beagainst Iran. You just tell them, “It’s full of foreigners.” Andthey’ll be like, “What?! Let’s nuke it! Let’s nuke it now!” Liberals,of course, are more sophisticated and will take a much more measuredapproach. When you tell them that Iran has an evil government worthy ofoutrage, they’ll point out the obvious — that it’s not America.
Well, that’s true, and I know America is the biggest meddler andcause of trouble everywhere, but also remember it’s now run byPresident Obama. Thus, if you’re too critical of America, you’ll alsobe critical of Obama, which is de facto racist. So you have to admit that’s a pretty good argument to redirect some of that scorn at another country.
Okay — I know the first country that comes to mind if you are notgoing to hate America is Israel. Israel is a close ally of America —which is pretty suspicious — while Iran constantly condemns America,something sophisticated people are known to do since America is full ofthe greatest threat to this planet: Mid-Westerners. Once again, I’mgoing to suggest something radical. …
Maybe you can try judging a country regardless of its opinion on America.
The Iranians just had an election stolen from them by theirgovernment. Remember how angry you were when you pretended the electionwas stolen in 2000? Why, you whined about it for years and years. Someof you still even whine about it today. Again, you guys were onlypretending an election was stolen. Now think if the election were actuallystolen, and Bush declared himself winner by 63 percent of the vote.You’d be so angry you might actually do something more than whine aboutit. Well, that is what’s happening with the Iranians, and they’retaking to the streets. If you miss the pretend anger about 2000, maybeyou can direct some real anger at what’s happened in Iran.
Also, now that millions of Iranians are protesting, they are beingbeaten and shot. Remember how Bush was suppressing all dissent, and weknew about that because people were constantly on TV talking about howBush was suppressing their dissent? Now, I don’t know the details ofwhat people imagined Bush was doing, but I’m going to go out on a limband say that people being beaten and shot has to be at least nearly asbad as the stuff you convinced yourself Bush did. Maybe that’s asuppression of speech, and you could go on TV and denounce it.
And you know how there’s little you hate more than the Christianright in this country, and you are worried about how they’ll take over?Well, Iran is a theocracy, and the Iranian mullahs have the ultimatepower — it’s like all your paranoid fears coming to reality. I don’tknow if they’ve done anything as bad as Prop 8, but they have executedpeople for being gay. That has to be at least half as bad as notletting gay people marry. So with all the outrage over Prop 8 andChristians, maybe you could put at least half that energy towardsIran’s mullahs.
And then there is the guy who stole his reelection — MahmoudAhmadinejad. Let me put this in terms you can understand: Ahmadinejadis worse than Hitler and almost as bad as Bush. I’d compare him toCheney, but I don’t want you to accuse me of hyperbole. He wants todestroy Israel … which I know you don’t care about, but just look atall the things he has in common with right-wingers: he has crazyreligious ideas, he is against abortion, and he does not believe inevolution. If he were a Republican, you’d be making jokes about rapinghis fourteen-year-old daughters just for that.
The only way Ahmadinejad could better epitomize everything you hateis if he were fervently pro-America and a woman. Instead of imaginingBush doing every evil thing you can think of, you can try imaginingAhmadinejad doing the same — except he might actually be doing them. Ofcourse, I’m not saying you should hate him as much as you hated Bush —I don’t think that’s possible — but you could maybe spare a little anger for him.
With all the turmoil in Iran, the protesters could really use somesupport for a country that could use some real change. Thus, maybeliberals should consider focusing some outrage at the Iraniangovernment. You’ve had so much fun getting worked up over pretendoppression, maybe you’ll enjoy taking on the real thing for a change.
Give it a try — unlike the Iranians in the streets, you have littleto lose. And if you don’t like it, the usual made-up crap you screamabout will be waiting right where you left it — in your feveredimagination.