Okay, liberals, I have a radical idea I want to run by you: the Iranian government is bad and worthy of some of your outrage.
by Frank Fleming
Yeah, I know, it sounds crazy. Iran is not a beauty queen speaking
out against gay marriage, or Sarah Palin. Why in the world would you
want to direct any scorn towards a brutal theocracy seeking nuclear
weapons? Itís not obvious, but let me explain.
Now, I know it doesnít take much to convince conservatives to be
against Iran. You just tell them, ďItís full of foreigners.Ē And
theyíll be like, ďWhat?! Letís nuke it! Letís nuke it now!Ē Liberals,
of course, are more sophisticated and will take a much more measured
approach. When you tell them that Iran has an evil government worthy of
outrage, theyíll point out the obvious ó that itís not America.
Well, thatís true, and I know America is the biggest meddler and
cause of trouble everywhere, but also remember itís now run by
President Obama. Thus, if youíre too critical of America, youíll also
be critical of Obama, which is de facto racist. So you have to admit thatís a pretty good argument to redirect some of that scorn at another country.
Okay ó I know the first country that comes to mind if you are not
going to hate America is Israel. Israel is a close ally of America ó
which is pretty suspicious ó while Iran constantly condemns America,
something sophisticated people are known to do since America is full of
the greatest threat to this planet: Mid-Westerners. Once again, Iím
going to suggest something radical. Ö
Maybe you can try judging a country regardless of its opinion on America.
The Iranians just had an election stolen from them by their
government. Remember how angry you were when you pretended the election
was stolen in 2000? Why, you whined about it for years and years. Some
of you still even whine about it today. Again, you guys were only
pretending an election was stolen. Now think if the election were actually
stolen, and Bush declared himself winner by 63 percent of the vote.
Youíd be so angry you might actually do something more than whine about
it. Well, that is whatís happening with the Iranians, and theyíre
taking to the streets. If you miss the pretend anger about 2000, maybe
you can direct some real anger at whatís happened in Iran.
Also, now that millions of Iranians are protesting, they are being
beaten and shot. Remember how Bush was suppressing all dissent, and we
knew about that because people were constantly on TV talking about how
Bush was suppressing their dissent? Now, I donít know the details of
what people imagined Bush was doing, but Iím going to go out on a limb
and say that people being beaten and shot has to be at least nearly as
bad as the stuff you convinced yourself Bush did. Maybe thatís a
suppression of speech, and you could go on TV and denounce it.
And you know how thereís little you hate more than the Christian
right in this country, and you are worried about how theyíll take over?
Well, Iran is a theocracy, and the Iranian mullahs have the ultimate
power ó itís like all your paranoid fears coming to reality. I donít
know if theyíve done anything as bad as Prop 8, but they have executed
people for being gay. That has to be at least half as bad as not
letting gay people marry. So with all the outrage over Prop 8 and
Christians, maybe you could put at least half that energy towards
And then there is the guy who stole his reelection ó Mahmoud
Ahmadinejad. Let me put this in terms you can understand: Ahmadinejad
is worse than Hitler and almost as bad as Bush. Iíd compare him to
Cheney, but I donít want you to accuse me of hyperbole. He wants to
destroy Israel Ö which I know you donít care about, but just look at
all the things he has in common with right-wingers: he has crazy
religious ideas, he is against abortion, and he does not believe in
evolution. If he were a Republican, youíd be making jokes about raping
his fourteen-year-old daughters just for that.
The only way Ahmadinejad could better epitomize everything you hate
is if he were fervently pro-America and a woman. Instead of imagining
Bush doing every evil thing you can think of, you can try imagining
Ahmadinejad doing the same ó except he might actually be doing them. Of
course, Iím not saying you should hate him as much as you hated Bush ó
I donít think thatís possible ó but you could maybe spare a little anger for him.
With all the turmoil in Iran, the protesters could really use some
support for a country that could use some real change. Thus, maybe
liberals should consider focusing some outrage at the Iranian
government. Youíve had so much fun getting worked up over pretend
oppression, maybe youíll enjoy taking on the real thing for a change.
Give it a try ó unlike the Iranians in the streets, you have little
to lose. And if you donít like it, the usual made-up crap you scream
about will be waiting right where you left it ó in your fevered