by Frank Fleming

Yeah, I know, it sounds crazy. Iran is not a beauty queen speaking out against gay marriage, or Sarah Palin. Why in the world would you want to direct any scorn towards a brutal theocracy seeking nuclear weapons? It’s not obvious, but let me explain.

Now, I know it doesn’t take much to convince conservatives to be against Iran. You just tell them, “It’s full of foreigners.” And they’ll be like, “What?! Let’s nuke it! Let’s nuke it now!” Liberals, of course, are more sophisticated and will take a much more measured approach. When you tell them that Iran has an evil government worthy of outrage, they’ll point out the obvious — that it’s not America.

Well, that’s true, and I know America is the biggest meddler and cause of trouble everywhere, but also remember it’s now run by President Obama. Thus, if you’re too critical of America, you’ll also be critical of Obama, which is de facto racist. So you have to admit that’s a pretty good argument to redirect some of that scorn at another country.

Okay — I know the first country that comes to mind if you are not going to hate America is Israel. Israel is a close ally of America — which is pretty suspicious — while Iran constantly condemns America, something sophisticated people are known to do since America is full of the greatest threat to this planet: Mid-Westerners. Once again, I’m going to suggest something radical. …

Maybe you can try judging a country regardless of its opinion on America.

The Iranians just had an election stolen from them by their government. Remember how angry you were when you pretended the election was stolen in 2000? Why, you whined about it for years and years. Some of you still even whine about it today. Again, you guys were only pretending an election was stolen. Now think if the election were actually stolen, and Bush declared himself winner by 63 percent of the vote. You’d be so angry you might actually do something more than whine about it. Well, that is what’s happening with the Iranians, and they’re taking to the streets. If you miss the pretend anger about 2000, maybe you can direct some real anger at what’s happened in Iran.

Also, now that millions of Iranians are protesting, they are being beaten and shot. Remember how Bush was suppressing all dissent, and we knew about that because people were constantly on TV talking about how Bush was suppressing their dissent? Now, I don’t know the details of what people imagined Bush was doing, but I’m going to go out on a limb and say that people being beaten and shot has to be at least nearly as bad as the stuff you convinced yourself Bush did. Maybe that’s a suppression of speech, and you could go on TV and denounce it.

And you know how there’s little you hate more than the Christian right in this country, and you are worried about how they’ll take over? Well, Iran is a theocracy, and the Iranian mullahs have the ultimate power — it’s like all your paranoid fears coming to reality. I don’t know if they’ve done anything as bad as Prop 8, but they have executed people for being gay. That has to be at least half as bad as not letting gay people marry. So with all the outrage over Prop 8 and Christians, maybe you could put at least half that energy towards Iran’s mullahs.

And then there is the guy who stole his reelection — Mahmoud Ahmadinejad. Let me put this in terms you can understand: Ahmadinejad is worse than Hitler and almost as bad as Bush. I’d compare him to Cheney, but I don’t want you to accuse me of hyperbole. He wants to destroy Israel … which I know you don’t care about, but just look at all the things he has in common with right-wingers: he has crazy religious ideas, he is against abortion, and he does not believe in evolution. If he were a Republican, you’d be making jokes about raping his fourteen-year-old daughters just for that.

The only way Ahmadinejad could better epitomize everything you hate is if he were fervently pro-America and a woman. Instead of imagining Bush doing every evil thing you can think of, you can try imagining Ahmadinejad doing the same — except he might actually be doing them. Of course, I’m not saying you should hate him as much as you hated Bush — I don’t think that’s possible — but you could maybe spare a little anger for him.

With all the turmoil in Iran, the protesters could really use some support for a country that could use some real change. Thus, maybe liberals should consider focusing some outrage at the Iranian government. You’ve had so much fun getting worked up over pretend oppression, maybe you’ll enjoy taking on the real thing for a change.

Give it a try — unlike the Iranians in the streets, you have little to lose. And if you don’t like it, the usual made-up crap you scream about will be waiting right where you left it — in your fevered imagination.